The Definition of “Self Control” by Kelley Rice Schild

“M  -r -s.     S   - c  -  h -  i  - l -  d” ...he draws each syllable out, like only someone from Tallahassee, Florida can manage.  The instant I hear the preface I know what is coming next,  “perhaps you don’t remember our   p - r-  e  -v-  i - o - u-  s   conversation…” .  It is at that precise moment that I resist the uncontrollable urge to slam my I-phone into the nearest wall and smash it into million pieces.  If I had succumbed to that urge, I calculate that I would be on phone #6.  Instead, when he continues in his sickening sweet, consending tone with “I would be h -a -p -p- y  to go over it all again…” , I take a deep yoga breath.  I repeat to myself “DO NOT use the f-word”.

In my head I scream  “You fucking mother fucker!  Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!  Go fuck yourself you fucking asshole!”  And then I congratualate myself on my amazing self control.  Click.

Is Happiness Overrated?

My sister recently gave me a newspaper clipping entitled, “Happiness may be overrated”.   The article shares the bad news that a happy childhood “may hamper your career prospects”.  One study found that happy American college freshmen "earned on average, less than those who felt slightly less merry when young”.  So, does this translate into a “dumb, fat and happy” attitude?  I think that the middle aged surfer who promises “It’s all good” may be too content. The truth is that dissatisfaction, or discontentment with an aspect of your life, can ironically lead to happiness.


An easy example is dissatisfaction with our physical appearance.  Being sick and tired of not fitting into your jeans, may provide the motivation to cut the carbs and increase the miles.   After a few successful weeks, you are bound to be happy with the results.  And, most likely, happier overall.  A “climate of dissatisfaction” is how Walt Disney described what sparked his ambition to build Walt Disney Land in Anaheim, California in 1953.


While sitting on a bench watching his daughters play at a local carnival, Walt decided he wanted to create a magical place for children and their parents.  He said “I want to have a place that's as clean as anything could ever be, and all the people in it are first-class citizens, and treated like guests.”.  There are plenty of examples of people finding happiness after finally deciding they have had enough and decide to take a risk or make a change.  The college freshman study concluded that people who “are rarely dissatisfied with their jobs, feel less pressure to get more education or change careers".


Being satisfied is not the same as being happy and it may take a little “un-happiness” to find lasting happiness.  Need a little happiness boost?  Take a quick trip to the "Happiest Place on Earth” and remember Walt’s path to happiness.

The Happiness Zone

I asked my husband if he has any activities where he just “zones out” and he quickly listed his top three.  (The first you will have to guess.)  Number two and three were golf and fishing.  Happy people frequently zone out.  Experts identify this “state of intense absorption” as a key to happiness.  When you’re oblivious to everything else and absorbed in the task at hand.   It reminds me of hearing my mom’s voice calling my name at dusk when I was a kid building forts in the neighborhood.  Where did the time go?

A quiz on “How do you seek happiness?” asks this question: “Regardless of what I am doing, time passes very quickly”.   Most days, time passes quickly.  In fact, there doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day.  I think my busy days make me a happier person.  Being engrossed in my latest project or pursuit ensures less time to worry or fret.  Current projects include renovating our closet/bathroom and a new business.

I zone out when I'm running.  Sometimes I am so lost in the run that I fly right past my street.  That is when you know you are in the zone, when you lose awareness of time, aren’t thinking of yourself and block out extraneous thoughts.  Other signs are;  having intermediate goals, being active  (vs passive) and a feeling of effortlessness.   Sitting on the couch channel surfing doesn’t cut it, being in the zone requires some challenge, like John hitting endless wedges close to the pin. 

I think the key to the zone-happiness relationship is not thinking too much.  And not thinking about yourself at all.  Your mind is focused on what you are doing, your only awareness of yourself is in relation to the activity itself.   No encroaching thoughts about what she said to whom, or what he meant by that.

One step to happiness is engage in activities that cause you to zone out and lose yourself.

Reading the obits

I have a morbid habit of reading the obituaries almost every day. I think I learned it from my grandmother.  Everyday while I read through the condensed lives of locals, I think the same thing “Your entire life is condensed into 5 column inches”.  How scary to have everything from birth to death and everything in between, here.

“A look back at your life,”, instructs you to write your own eulogy, a recommended exercise in the Harvard Study on Happiness  www.health.harvard.edu (Positive Psychology).  Then ask the question, “Are there gaps between the legacy you want to leave and ways you spend your time?”.  It is an excellent exercise to see in black and white where your priorities lay.  Insignificant things that seem to be so time consuming today, can seep into tomorrow, and before you know it life is passing you by while you worry about the small stuff.

Finding “A meaningful life” is one of three important tenants of happiness.  This is confirmed in recent scientific studies.   Scientists have found evidence that has confirmed what the ancient philosophers have known all along; lasting happiness requires a focus on others and the feeling that your life has purpose.    "Others" does not mean strangers, however there are many worthwhile causes.  A meaningful life can be accomplished by ensuring a positive future for your children, contributions to your community, kindness to friends who are in need.  Find meaning in your life, outside yourself, everyday.

Be selfless and feel you are part of a larger plan.  Nothing grandiose, just random acts of kindness, consistently and with a pure heart.  To remind myself, I even say “I am doing this with a pure heart”, it helps!  Resentment is the opposite of a meaningful life and has expected results, unhappiness.  Every moment you spend resenting people or circumstances, is a waste.  So do for others with pure intentions and no expectations.  

What do you want your legacy to be?  Write your obituary today, and live it everyday.  Live your life like today was your last.

Words of Wisdom

My dad asked me, "Got your three wishes?"  What would you wish for, if you only had three wishes?  Think hard, you only have one chance to answer - that's the rule.   I would sometimes say, "1. Win the lottery, 2. live forever 3. 1 million more wishes".  We played this game often, "Three Wishes".

The game assumes that there are things you can change that will make you happy.   Research on happiness and fulfillment of life find the happiest people express gratitude, have an appreciation for beauty and spend time doing things for others.

Ironically, happiness is only shared with those you love, and losing the one you love most, makes it all irrelevant.  But, our time on this earth is not within our control.  In the game of "Three Wishes" we can only wish for eternal life, an unrealistic request.

So, that night we played "Three Wishes" in the hospital, and my dad didn't let me think long enough to consider my answer.  He blurted out  "Make sure the first wish is for good health, cause after that, not too much matters."

Don't be a Grinch

Christmas is right around the corner.  Stores are already displaying Halloween decorations, before you know it we will be finishing off the pumpkin pie and then fa, la, la!  Holidays should be happy times.  Regretfully hectic, happy times such as Christmas can quickly melt down without proper planning.  Worse than that is when in true grinchy-style the season of joy becomes a chore you resent.

My daughter Allison sent me a link to a recent survey by psychologist and self-help author Robert Epstein who found that 25% of our happiness hinges on how we manage stress.  Most effective in a stressful situation is practicing prevention.  Planning is the stress management technique the study found worked best.  If we are prepared for potentially stressful events, we may actually find some enjoyment.

Christmas morning in our stateroom

This year, I vow to plan ahead and spend more time experiencing the reason for the season.  I have already started jotting down gift giving ideas and hope to finish my shopping before Thanksgiving.  A few years ago we planned a Christmas cruise and it was a wonderful gift for the whole family.   The holiday was more about spending time together than rushing around buying last minute gifts or juggling schedules.  This year I will decorate early and savor the month of December baking a few batches of my favorite cookies, celebrating birthdays (John's and mine) and enjoying the visits form my college-age daughters.


As the Grinch discovered Christmas came without ribbons! It came without tags!  It came without packages, boxes or bags! Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.  Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

Nothing to do with Happiness

My aunt, Lil (center) & clean-shaven uncle, Terry

I visited my favorite aunt and uncle a few years ago when I was homeschooling my son, Jack.  We flew to Tucson, and they quickly shared that they turned their talents to the Praise Band at their church.  I remember my aunt and uncle during their "Rock Band" era in the 70's.  They were the "Dearly Beloved", a name that brought new meaning for their gospel rock reincarnation.   When we visited,  the recent news was that  they recruited their old member "Mike" to play on Sundays.  Dearly Beloved was back together, playing for a greater cause. 

Me & our American Bull Dog, Niki

The part that has nothing to do with happiness, is that Mike died from injuries from his own dog.  Last week, after three weeks, he succumbed to the injuries.  His pet, Butch (a Pit Bull), was recovering from surgery and in pain and lashed out at his owner.  How devastating to family, friends, me.  

Thank the Lord that Mike was reunited to Dearly Beloved for the past few years.  For those Sundays, those souls, everyone.  There really seems to be no explanation.