Reading the obits

I have a morbid habit of reading the obituaries almost every day. I think I learned it from my grandmother.  Everyday while I read through the condensed lives of locals, I think the same thing “Your entire life is condensed into 5 column inches”.  How scary to have everything from birth to death and everything in between, here.

“A look back at your life,”, instructs you to write your own eulogy, a recommended exercise in the Harvard Study on Happiness  www.health.harvard.edu (Positive Psychology).  Then ask the question, “Are there gaps between the legacy you want to leave and ways you spend your time?”.  It is an excellent exercise to see in black and white where your priorities lay.  Insignificant things that seem to be so time consuming today, can seep into tomorrow, and before you know it life is passing you by while you worry about the small stuff.

Finding “A meaningful life” is one of three important tenants of happiness.  This is confirmed in recent scientific studies.   Scientists have found evidence that has confirmed what the ancient philosophers have known all along; lasting happiness requires a focus on others and the feeling that your life has purpose.    "Others" does not mean strangers, however there are many worthwhile causes.  A meaningful life can be accomplished by ensuring a positive future for your children, contributions to your community, kindness to friends who are in need.  Find meaning in your life, outside yourself, everyday.

Be selfless and feel you are part of a larger plan.  Nothing grandiose, just random acts of kindness, consistently and with a pure heart.  To remind myself, I even say “I am doing this with a pure heart”, it helps!  Resentment is the opposite of a meaningful life and has expected results, unhappiness.  Every moment you spend resenting people or circumstances, is a waste.  So do for others with pure intentions and no expectations.  

What do you want your legacy to be?  Write your obituary today, and live it everyday.  Live your life like today was your last.

Words of Wisdom

My dad asked me, "Got your three wishes?"  What would you wish for, if you only had three wishes?  Think hard, you only have one chance to answer - that's the rule.   I would sometimes say, "1. Win the lottery, 2. live forever 3. 1 million more wishes".  We played this game often, "Three Wishes".

The game assumes that there are things you can change that will make you happy.   Research on happiness and fulfillment of life find the happiest people express gratitude, have an appreciation for beauty and spend time doing things for others.

Ironically, happiness is only shared with those you love, and losing the one you love most, makes it all irrelevant.  But, our time on this earth is not within our control.  In the game of "Three Wishes" we can only wish for eternal life, an unrealistic request.

So, that night we played "Three Wishes" in the hospital, and my dad didn't let me think long enough to consider my answer.  He blurted out  "Make sure the first wish is for good health, cause after that, not too much matters."

Don't be a Grinch

Christmas is right around the corner.  Stores are already displaying Halloween decorations, before you know it we will be finishing off the pumpkin pie and then fa, la, la!  Holidays should be happy times.  Regretfully hectic, happy times such as Christmas can quickly melt down without proper planning.  Worse than that is when in true grinchy-style the season of joy becomes a chore you resent.

My daughter Allison sent me a link to a recent survey by psychologist and self-help author Robert Epstein who found that 25% of our happiness hinges on how we manage stress.  Most effective in a stressful situation is practicing prevention.  Planning is the stress management technique the study found worked best.  If we are prepared for potentially stressful events, we may actually find some enjoyment.

Christmas morning in our stateroom

This year, I vow to plan ahead and spend more time experiencing the reason for the season.  I have already started jotting down gift giving ideas and hope to finish my shopping before Thanksgiving.  A few years ago we planned a Christmas cruise and it was a wonderful gift for the whole family.   The holiday was more about spending time together than rushing around buying last minute gifts or juggling schedules.  This year I will decorate early and savor the month of December baking a few batches of my favorite cookies, celebrating birthdays (John's and mine) and enjoying the visits form my college-age daughters.


As the Grinch discovered Christmas came without ribbons! It came without tags!  It came without packages, boxes or bags! Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.  Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

Nothing to do with Happiness

My aunt, Lil (center) & clean-shaven uncle, Terry

I visited my favorite aunt and uncle a few years ago when I was homeschooling my son, Jack.  We flew to Tucson, and they quickly shared that they turned their talents to the Praise Band at their church.  I remember my aunt and uncle during their "Rock Band" era in the 70's.  They were the "Dearly Beloved", a name that brought new meaning for their gospel rock reincarnation.   When we visited,  the recent news was that  they recruited their old member "Mike" to play on Sundays.  Dearly Beloved was back together, playing for a greater cause. 

Me & our American Bull Dog, Niki

The part that has nothing to do with happiness, is that Mike died from injuries from his own dog.  Last week, after three weeks, he succumbed to the injuries.  His pet, Butch (a Pit Bull), was recovering from surgery and in pain and lashed out at his owner.  How devastating to family, friends, me.  

Thank the Lord that Mike was reunited to Dearly Beloved for the past few years.  For those Sundays, those souls, everyone.  There really seems to be no explanation.

Not so happy kel

It is hard to blog about “How to be happy”, when you haven’t been feeling particularly happy yourself.   Everyone goes through periods of gloominess.  You cant’ be happy all the time, and if someone acts gleeful 24/7 something must be wrong.  Remember, you can’t enjoy the happy times unless you have low periods in comparison.   According to the sacred texts of Hinduism, “We know the value of standing in the shade only after we have roamed in the hot day sun”.

Periods of unhappiness are normal and you can frequently recognize the reason why you are down in the dumps.  I am suffering from post-vacation let down, something my mom called “too much birthday”.  The last four weeks have been remarkable, with a girls trip to Europe, followed by multiple celebrations, a corporate retreat at Disney, productive meetings and very little down time.

How do you find a happy place when you are feeling blue?  According to the Harvard study on positive psychology, “There is also intriguing preliminary evidence that positive psychology techniques, in addition to preparing you for the ups and downs of life, can be valuable in times of stress, grief, or other difficulties.”

http://www.health.harvard.edu/special_health_reports/positive-psychology-harnessing-the-power-of-happiness-personal-strength-and-mindfulness  

The effective positive psychology techniques include expressing gratitude for the lessons learned or opportunities presented when dealing with negative events.  Participants are instructed to write about the positive consequences of their hardship for which they could be grateful.  Focusing on finding the silver lining of your black cloud, helps with closure and intrusive negative thoughts about your despair.   My fatigue has forced me to relax, re-energize and focus on things that need to be done around the house.  Another assignment is to savor the pleasure and think about the good things in your life.  When you accentuate the positive you develop a more optimistic outlook.   Instead of lamenting my exhaustion after a month of going non-stop, I have been enjoying the shared pictures of our trip and discussing the lessons learned at our Disney Corporate Retreat with co-workers.  Keeping busy or getting into “The Flow” with outside interests helps keep negative thoughts at bay.   When you’re fully engaged in activities, you are less preoccupied by mundane thoughts.  Nothing clears my head of dreary thoughts quicker than a long run with my I-Pod just thinking about the music and my feet hitting the pavement.

Unhappy times are really a chance to appreciate that when one door closes another one opens.

The Happiness Puzzle

Using your natural talents for good is the ultimate solution to the happiness puzzle.  But first, you must know where your strengths lie.
The Harvard Study on Positive Psychology discovered that deploying a innate strength is usually the easiest and most effective way to accomplish a goal. You can think of using your strengths as the smallest thing that you can do to make the biggest difference. Courage and Wisdom are my natural talents (or strengths) according to a survey in the Sielegman and Peterson study that identifies inborn talents.  Fortunately, since I took the "test" http://www.viacharacter.org/Surveys/SurveyCenter.aspx ), I know my strengths and virtues without guessing.


Accoriding to the study's example, "one person trying to influence a school board might have the strength to speak up forcefully and clearly  at a general meeting (despite the almost-universal fear of public speaking)".  This example is for the strength of Courage, and immediately related to me.  Jumping up in a public setting to speak my mind comes second nature to me.  In fact, I spent the last few months using this strength and  have been gleefully happy doing it. In our Nation's budget discussions, I have advocated for full funding of Medicare, and eagerly volunteered for any opportunity to speak against potential cuts.  In May, Floridean (the skilled nursing facility I operate) had a press conference with legislators and three local TV stations coveredthe event. Not only did I MC the event, I pushed my somewhat reluctant coworkers to speak their mind into the cameras and microphones. http://univision23.univision.com/videos/video/2011-06-21/ancianos-colectan-firmas-contra-recortes Then in July, I joined my Florida nursing facility colleages in Washington, DC and toghether we met with members of Congress to explain the negative results of Medicare cuts.  Happy, happy, joy, joy.

2008 Senate Testimony

What are your inborn talents?  The answer to happiness may lie in the answer.  Discover your strengths and use them for the good of others, and I promise you will smile, relax and find true happiness.

 

Patience Young Grasshopper

Believe it  or not people who were paralyzed in accidents are as happy as those that have won the lottery.  Those paralyzed rate their pleasure in everyday activities just as high as people that have hit the PowerBall.  In part, because people adapt more quickly to positive changes, such as becoming accustomed to having more money after winning the lottery.  With a “That was so yesterday” attitude,  the sudden influx of happy emotions fade faster.   Versus a “Thank you for today” attitude of appreciating what you have one day to the next.

Fewer choices, result in higher satisfaction.  Limiting choices is a difficult task in today’s society where even the drive-thru clerk at Burger King is trained to satisfy your every whim.   One of the teachings in the Doctrine of Yoga is to strengthen your will-power through renunciation.  “You must practice self-denial in fifty different ways” .  Take a cold shower when you would prefer a hot one, greet those you would usually avoid, walk when you could drive. How far can I take this? Fiber instead of carbs... Water in the wine glass?

In the long run, this type of self-denial should bring a greater awareness and appreciation for all the wonderful things in our lives.   I took a Happiness test so I can rate if my level of happiness increases with this exercise.  I scored 8 out of 10, with 6.9 the average happy score.  So, currently (without self-denial) I'm pretty happy.  But, I will try the ancient teachings and be open to their lessons.

Regrets, I've had a few

During an outing to Costco with my great aunt, I thought about my weekly happiness challenge:  “Say no to too many choices”.   I needed dishwasher detergent and had many options ; liquid, powder, crystal, action pac, green, bio-degradable  – choices, choices, choices.  In the 4G, HD, digital world we have more choices than we could have ever imagined.  How did I choose the dishwasher detergent?  I found the cheapest powder per ounce, put it in the cart and moved on.  The theory is that happiness is thwarted because the more choices you have, the greater opportunity to regret those choices.    

 

This was not much of a challenge for me since I rarely spend time deliberating over my choices.  According to the Harvard Study, those who analyze all the pros and cons to painstakingly make sure they make the perfect selection, regret their hard-thought decisions more - shouda, coulda, woulda.  But there are  everyday choices (like dishwasher detergent) and life's choices (the spouse you choose).   This challenge was for choices we are faced with on a daily basis.  In a misguided attempt to make children happy many of today's parents tend to cater to and give multiple options for everyday decisions, such as "what's for breakfats?".  On finding happiness, we are doing these kids a huge disservice in the long run.  For me, there are usually two choices – take it or leave it.  

Jesus Camp



Sabbaticals eliminate choices.  No televisions, no phones or computers, camp-style meals taken at prescribed times, early prayers, evening meditations.  Few conversations and fewer choices allow your mind to stay focused.   This monastic type of lifestyle reminds you to appreciate what you have, especially the goodness and glory of God.  While we all can’t have the lifestyle of living in a convent, I decided that I would limit daily choices for the week – I took the same running route with the same playlist, breakfast was coffee and yogurt,  lunch would be tuna fish on pita bread.  Was I happier?  I realized this was not much of a change from my daily routine.  

We all make good choices and bad choices.  Hopefully we learn from the bad ones and don’t repeat our mistakes.  Although I tend to forget the bad ones after my second glass of wine.  Seriously, there is nothing more damaging to happiness than regret.  Regret is just insight that comes a day too late, and not worthy of any more emotional energy than learning from your experience. 

Remember Happy Times

According to the Harvard Study on happiness, “multi-tasking is the enemy of savoring”.  My next challenge towards happiness was to “Savor the Pleasure”.  Placing my attention on pleasure and enjoying each experience in the moment as it occurs.  This happiness philosophy is the subject of Eckhart Tolle’s NYT bestselling book “The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment”.   It is no surprise that Oprah Winfrey recommended the tome with its promises of new consciousness and enlightenment.  I found out this week that I really suck at the Power of Now. 

Pilots are natural multi-taskers.  This is when I came to the realization that ADD does have benefits.  When flying you need to look out the windshield, monitor your instruments, physically fly the plane with feet on rudders and hands on throttle and yoke (in the old days) while talking to the tower on the radio.   For this reason, I see no distracting danger when I shift my car while I talk on the (wireless) phone.  I manage best with several balls in the air, and easily get bored focusing on one task at a time. 

I started on Monday morning with my sincere attempt to savor each task and  “recognize and enjoy pleasures in my day” as the Study recommended.   I bombed from the start by reading the newspaper, while drinking coffee with the morning news on in the background.  I could not stop myself from checking e-mails and sending a few texts.  Single-tasking was an impossible mission.  Things got better when I read my daily meditation without distractions and took the dog for a walk and purposely left my phone at home.  But I could not take a run without my I-pod music giving me encouragement.  The more I tried to limit my attention to one thing the more stressed out I became, not exactly my definition of “happiness”.  That evening I was able to focus on our hour-long yoga session, but not without my mind wandering a few times.  The value of inner stillness is no more evident than in the practice of yoga. 

The premise of living in the moment is to not to regret the past or fear the future, but to enjoy the present.  But savoring can also mean fondly remembering earlier happy events, like I did this week when I watched a few home videos.  And daydreaming about returning to Europe this summer with the girls gave me joyful anticipation about the future. 

While I failed miserably at the goal of single-tasking, I think I succeeded in appreciating every day’s special moments.

See the Beauty

In an attempt to find happiness, I challenged myself to nurture warm and fuzzy tendencies that I naturally lack.  Clueless where to begin,  I took one of the examples given  in the Harvard Study.   I thought the easiest one would be “Set a beautiful table for an ordinary meal – appreciation of beauty” for the virtue of Transcendence.  So I began by reminding myself by writing “See the Beauty” on my bathroom mirror. 

That morning I woke up early and as I lay down on the living room couch I listened to the birds singing outside the front door.  I thought how beautiful the sounds of a quiet morning are and realized I shouldn’t limit the appreciation of beauty to what I see.  I included all beautiful sights, smells and thoughts like the delicious smells of baking mango bread and a late blooming gardenia.  As I walked the dog, I consciously thought “see the beauty” and looked up to see the Biltmore Hotel Tower in the morning sun.  Walking down the halls of work, I noticed a beautiful bouquet of white roses in full bloom, and thought of the beauty of love.

I saw a beautiful upholstered chair but the story of the Uzbekistani mothers and daughters that embroidered the brightly colored fabric with micro-loans reminded me of the beauty of their spirit.

As the days passed I no longer had to remind myself to appreciate the beauty in my world.  Everywhere I turned the beauty was waiting to be appreciated - a rainbow over the city, a bright sunny day at the beach, playful monkeys, the cuddle of my husband.  With deliberate intention I savored in the moment and appreciated all the good.  The positive thoughts were cumulative and long lasting.  And at the end of the day, I was happier.  How simple. 

The elusive quest for true happiness

John F. Kennedy quoted the ancient philosophers when asked by the press corps if he found the job of President rewarding. He responded, “It is rewarding and I have given before to this group the definition of happiness of the Greeks, and I will define it again. It is full use of your powers along lines of excellence. I find, therefore, the Presidency provides some happiness.” In the VIA Institute on Character’s study, researchers narrowed down the virtues of happiness by searching for qualities that were prized across cultures and eras and believed to lead to fulfillment in life. The combed through philosophical and religious literature from early civilization to the present day. The six virtues of happiness described are wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance and transcendence.

Each of the six virtues has underlying strengths, or various means of displaying a person’s natural tendencies. What Kennedy valued may have been Perspective - being able to provide wise counsel and possessing ways of looking at the world to make sense. This strength is a trait for the virtue of Wisdom.

Discovering what makes someone happier than the next person, is an elusive quest. An optimistic, grateful, religious person, who finds the beauty in everyday life, possesses the underlining strengths found in the virtue of Transcendence. Transcendent people connect with the larger world and provide meaning. My strengths of love of learning and curiosity lead to the virtue of Wisdom and bravery and honesty are traits of Courage.

True happiness comes from within. My sister Gina blogged: “my yoga teacher instructs us "We were born with everything we need to make us happy, everything we need to make us happy is still within us”.” http://gleesganders.blogspot.com/
Knowing your strengths and using them for good is the secret. Do what comes naturally and you will feel energetic, confident and…….happy.

How to find happiness, one step at a time

Your Strengths and Virtues.  Mine, according to a survey (you can take at  http://www.viacharacter.org/Surveys/SurveyCenter.aspx ) are Courage and Wisdom.  A 2004 study conducted by Sielegman and Peterson  identifies inborn talents – those things that are difficult to acquire or improve upon (like perfect pitch).  They are core characteristics that are universally valued.  The six virtues are; wisdom, courage, humanity, justice temperance and transcendence.

So, my strengths are Courage and Wisdom, four out of six.  I read a quote in my daily mediation book, “It takes wisdom and courage to persevere.”  I am persistent, I guess.  Here is the twist, it is the strengths that you DO NOT possess that need your attention.  Your natural gifts (mine of courage and wisdom) need no improvement because those come easily.  We enjoy these strengths and do them naturally. 

The challenge is those that we do not naturally possess, but are equally important.  I need to improve upon;  humanity, justice, temperance and transcendence.  Yeah, I’m not the warm & fuzzy type.  Those traits have also been found to be the most closely linked to happiness- yikes.  They are (according to the Harvard Medical Study on Positive Psychology) worth cultivating and applying in your daily life.

So, this blog will be devoted to cultivating those strengths and virtues linked to being happy.  The study suggests the best way to happiness is improving upon your weaknesses.  One step at time.