Patience Young Grasshopper

Believe it  or not people who were paralyzed in accidents are as happy as those that have won the lottery.  Those paralyzed rate their pleasure in everyday activities just as high as people that have hit the PowerBall.  In part, because people adapt more quickly to positive changes, such as becoming accustomed to having more money after winning the lottery.  With a “That was so yesterday” attitude,  the sudden influx of happy emotions fade faster.   Versus a “Thank you for today” attitude of appreciating what you have one day to the next.

Fewer choices, result in higher satisfaction.  Limiting choices is a difficult task in today’s society where even the drive-thru clerk at Burger King is trained to satisfy your every whim.   One of the teachings in the Doctrine of Yoga is to strengthen your will-power through renunciation.  “You must practice self-denial in fifty different ways” .  Take a cold shower when you would prefer a hot one, greet those you would usually avoid, walk when you could drive. How far can I take this? Fiber instead of carbs... Water in the wine glass?

In the long run, this type of self-denial should bring a greater awareness and appreciation for all the wonderful things in our lives.   I took a Happiness test so I can rate if my level of happiness increases with this exercise.  I scored 8 out of 10, with 6.9 the average happy score.  So, currently (without self-denial) I'm pretty happy.  But, I will try the ancient teachings and be open to their lessons.

Regrets, I've had a few

During an outing to Costco with my great aunt, I thought about my weekly happiness challenge:  “Say no to too many choices”.   I needed dishwasher detergent and had many options ; liquid, powder, crystal, action pac, green, bio-degradable  – choices, choices, choices.  In the 4G, HD, digital world we have more choices than we could have ever imagined.  How did I choose the dishwasher detergent?  I found the cheapest powder per ounce, put it in the cart and moved on.  The theory is that happiness is thwarted because the more choices you have, the greater opportunity to regret those choices.    

 

This was not much of a challenge for me since I rarely spend time deliberating over my choices.  According to the Harvard Study, those who analyze all the pros and cons to painstakingly make sure they make the perfect selection, regret their hard-thought decisions more - shouda, coulda, woulda.  But there are  everyday choices (like dishwasher detergent) and life's choices (the spouse you choose).   This challenge was for choices we are faced with on a daily basis.  In a misguided attempt to make children happy many of today's parents tend to cater to and give multiple options for everyday decisions, such as "what's for breakfats?".  On finding happiness, we are doing these kids a huge disservice in the long run.  For me, there are usually two choices – take it or leave it.  

Jesus Camp



Sabbaticals eliminate choices.  No televisions, no phones or computers, camp-style meals taken at prescribed times, early prayers, evening meditations.  Few conversations and fewer choices allow your mind to stay focused.   This monastic type of lifestyle reminds you to appreciate what you have, especially the goodness and glory of God.  While we all can’t have the lifestyle of living in a convent, I decided that I would limit daily choices for the week – I took the same running route with the same playlist, breakfast was coffee and yogurt,  lunch would be tuna fish on pita bread.  Was I happier?  I realized this was not much of a change from my daily routine.  

We all make good choices and bad choices.  Hopefully we learn from the bad ones and don’t repeat our mistakes.  Although I tend to forget the bad ones after my second glass of wine.  Seriously, there is nothing more damaging to happiness than regret.  Regret is just insight that comes a day too late, and not worthy of any more emotional energy than learning from your experience. 

Remember Happy Times

According to the Harvard Study on happiness, “multi-tasking is the enemy of savoring”.  My next challenge towards happiness was to “Savor the Pleasure”.  Placing my attention on pleasure and enjoying each experience in the moment as it occurs.  This happiness philosophy is the subject of Eckhart Tolle’s NYT bestselling book “The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment”.   It is no surprise that Oprah Winfrey recommended the tome with its promises of new consciousness and enlightenment.  I found out this week that I really suck at the Power of Now. 

Pilots are natural multi-taskers.  This is when I came to the realization that ADD does have benefits.  When flying you need to look out the windshield, monitor your instruments, physically fly the plane with feet on rudders and hands on throttle and yoke (in the old days) while talking to the tower on the radio.   For this reason, I see no distracting danger when I shift my car while I talk on the (wireless) phone.  I manage best with several balls in the air, and easily get bored focusing on one task at a time. 

I started on Monday morning with my sincere attempt to savor each task and  “recognize and enjoy pleasures in my day” as the Study recommended.   I bombed from the start by reading the newspaper, while drinking coffee with the morning news on in the background.  I could not stop myself from checking e-mails and sending a few texts.  Single-tasking was an impossible mission.  Things got better when I read my daily meditation without distractions and took the dog for a walk and purposely left my phone at home.  But I could not take a run without my I-pod music giving me encouragement.  The more I tried to limit my attention to one thing the more stressed out I became, not exactly my definition of “happiness”.  That evening I was able to focus on our hour-long yoga session, but not without my mind wandering a few times.  The value of inner stillness is no more evident than in the practice of yoga. 

The premise of living in the moment is to not to regret the past or fear the future, but to enjoy the present.  But savoring can also mean fondly remembering earlier happy events, like I did this week when I watched a few home videos.  And daydreaming about returning to Europe this summer with the girls gave me joyful anticipation about the future. 

While I failed miserably at the goal of single-tasking, I think I succeeded in appreciating every day’s special moments.

See the Beauty

In an attempt to find happiness, I challenged myself to nurture warm and fuzzy tendencies that I naturally lack.  Clueless where to begin,  I took one of the examples given  in the Harvard Study.   I thought the easiest one would be “Set a beautiful table for an ordinary meal – appreciation of beauty” for the virtue of Transcendence.  So I began by reminding myself by writing “See the Beauty” on my bathroom mirror. 

That morning I woke up early and as I lay down on the living room couch I listened to the birds singing outside the front door.  I thought how beautiful the sounds of a quiet morning are and realized I shouldn’t limit the appreciation of beauty to what I see.  I included all beautiful sights, smells and thoughts like the delicious smells of baking mango bread and a late blooming gardenia.  As I walked the dog, I consciously thought “see the beauty” and looked up to see the Biltmore Hotel Tower in the morning sun.  Walking down the halls of work, I noticed a beautiful bouquet of white roses in full bloom, and thought of the beauty of love.

I saw a beautiful upholstered chair but the story of the Uzbekistani mothers and daughters that embroidered the brightly colored fabric with micro-loans reminded me of the beauty of their spirit.

As the days passed I no longer had to remind myself to appreciate the beauty in my world.  Everywhere I turned the beauty was waiting to be appreciated - a rainbow over the city, a bright sunny day at the beach, playful monkeys, the cuddle of my husband.  With deliberate intention I savored in the moment and appreciated all the good.  The positive thoughts were cumulative and long lasting.  And at the end of the day, I was happier.  How simple. 

The elusive quest for true happiness

John F. Kennedy quoted the ancient philosophers when asked by the press corps if he found the job of President rewarding. He responded, “It is rewarding and I have given before to this group the definition of happiness of the Greeks, and I will define it again. It is full use of your powers along lines of excellence. I find, therefore, the Presidency provides some happiness.” In the VIA Institute on Character’s study, researchers narrowed down the virtues of happiness by searching for qualities that were prized across cultures and eras and believed to lead to fulfillment in life. The combed through philosophical and religious literature from early civilization to the present day. The six virtues of happiness described are wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance and transcendence.

Each of the six virtues has underlying strengths, or various means of displaying a person’s natural tendencies. What Kennedy valued may have been Perspective - being able to provide wise counsel and possessing ways of looking at the world to make sense. This strength is a trait for the virtue of Wisdom.

Discovering what makes someone happier than the next person, is an elusive quest. An optimistic, grateful, religious person, who finds the beauty in everyday life, possesses the underlining strengths found in the virtue of Transcendence. Transcendent people connect with the larger world and provide meaning. My strengths of love of learning and curiosity lead to the virtue of Wisdom and bravery and honesty are traits of Courage.

True happiness comes from within. My sister Gina blogged: “my yoga teacher instructs us "We were born with everything we need to make us happy, everything we need to make us happy is still within us”.” http://gleesganders.blogspot.com/
Knowing your strengths and using them for good is the secret. Do what comes naturally and you will feel energetic, confident and…….happy.

How to find happiness, one step at a time

Your Strengths and Virtues.  Mine, according to a survey (you can take at  http://www.viacharacter.org/Surveys/SurveyCenter.aspx ) are Courage and Wisdom.  A 2004 study conducted by Sielegman and Peterson  identifies inborn talents – those things that are difficult to acquire or improve upon (like perfect pitch).  They are core characteristics that are universally valued.  The six virtues are; wisdom, courage, humanity, justice temperance and transcendence.

So, my strengths are Courage and Wisdom, four out of six.  I read a quote in my daily mediation book, “It takes wisdom and courage to persevere.”  I am persistent, I guess.  Here is the twist, it is the strengths that you DO NOT possess that need your attention.  Your natural gifts (mine of courage and wisdom) need no improvement because those come easily.  We enjoy these strengths and do them naturally. 

The challenge is those that we do not naturally possess, but are equally important.  I need to improve upon;  humanity, justice, temperance and transcendence.  Yeah, I’m not the warm & fuzzy type.  Those traits have also been found to be the most closely linked to happiness- yikes.  They are (according to the Harvard Medical Study on Positive Psychology) worth cultivating and applying in your daily life.

So, this blog will be devoted to cultivating those strengths and virtues linked to being happy.  The study suggests the best way to happiness is improving upon your weaknesses.  One step at time.